Day 30

Today I am thankful for life...

"Leave all your love and your longing behind. You cant carry it with you if you want to survive." - Florence and the Machine

       I have thought long and hard about this particular entry. For many reasons. I know being open and possibly using this as an out let is the original intention, but neither it seems have been very easy for me lately. I feel that the lesson I am supposed to be learning right now, or at least one of them, has become very obvious. Let it go, let it be, let it ride. My dad's advice about most things that upset me, one of my most favorite songs, and a motto of a good friend I once knew that I am feeling inspire me more than ever. These things do not come very natural to me at all. I drive my self crazy at time with over analyzing every moment of life and what their outcomes might be. Instead of truly basking in the glory of every moment good or bad. They all are teaching me something.And i may not get as many as I think.

     "The fact that life depends on death is hard for us to accept." Unknown 

     Most of you know that my gramie Trish is sick, very sick in fact, with cancer. I really am pretty close with all my gramies. There has always been a special thing about my grandmas that I could never put my finger on, but always leaves me in awe. Perhaps its the knowledgeable perspective, the great cooking skills, or the grace of an era and the sweet loving moments. Grandpas are awesome, but for a little girl grandmas are really special. All of my gramies have been very good to me. My gramie Tris has always seemed to just love me, and encourage who I am. She is like my other gramies in the way that they don't seem to be "old". They are all very sane, strong, opinionated, insightful, capable women. Gramie Trish only gave up her real estate clients a month ago! I am feeling that not only do I need to reconnect more with my gramies, but I have become more appreciative of what all of them have brought to my life and also who all of them are as women. I am so thankful and do not think its a coincidence that you all are my gramies and that I am the way I am after knowing all of you. Thank you for being who you all are and being there for me. Helping raise me in to the the sweet, loving, intelligent woman I am. It led me to happiness and the love of a man who can not only handle me but loves me completely. I have moments of complete sadness and engulfing grief not only for me but for my Mom (Deb) and my entire family. Then I think about how my gram must feel and I can't even imagine, or Mr. B, Her hubby. I understand I guess that these things happen to everyone but it's so surreal now.

       Life is full circle, as hard as that is for us to see sometimes. Life in my opinion is all about looking for the lessons. I am here to learn. The more I learn and grow the closer I feel to existing and to my relationships with people. I am having my mind and soul opened up so much in this moment in life that I am over whelmed with emotions and semi understanding, or at least semi rationalizing why I feel like I do.


"Keep your head above your heart and your eyes wide open. So this world can't find a way to leave you cold. And no your not the only ship out on the ocean. Save your strength for things that you can change, forgive the ones that you can't, you gotta let it go. Like a sweet sunset in Georgia let it go. Like the fear that grab a hold ya let it go." - Zac Brown Band

Day 27

Today I am thankful for pride.


               Pride is a total double edge sward for me. At times I am very prideful and stubborn. I know that everyone has those moments and I have learned to make them fewer and farther between. Pride in this manor can be pretty unhealthy and destructive. I feel good that I have learned this lesson at a young age. I feel as though I still have a lot to learn when it comes to pride. Sometimes I judge myself to much, take things to personally, and tell myself things that are mean. This is the most wicked and for me hardest to overcome. Fact is this is my prideful ego who is telling me these things.  Not the healing loving energy that is Me, the pure love and light of my being, my "soul" if you will. My soul loves its vehicle in this world and is pride filled not prideful.  I am so proud of so many aspects of my life.The ego is fighting back because the more light that fills me , the less room there is for the ego. So I consciously and acknowledging that I am proud of my husband and the life we are creating. I am proud of the love that I am able to spread with the world. I am proud of the amazing supportive family that I have. I am proud of the kind, fun friends that surround me, ect. But I feel that I need to learn to truly be proud of who I am. Oh man even typing it now makes me a little anxious and a million reasons why I shouldn't be proud come to mind. Lately I have really been holding on to the past and who I thought I was then. I haven't always been someone I have been proud of. I suppose that this has been a good inspiration for me to continue growing and change. I look at a lot of people in my life and think " That is the type of person I want to be". Tonight it was pointed out to me that I wouldn't have these people around me or have a great life that I was proud of if I wasn't that type of person. That I am attracted to that  energy and it is attracted to me because we are one and the same. Some thing to be be proud of! I am beautiful, strong, honest, funny, a loving wife, an adoring daughter and sister, a supportive friend and a cousin/niece/granddaughter who will always be there for her family. I woman who is deserving of all life offers, and who wants to share healing light with the wold. I am learning to be proud of those thing and remember that I am attractive to good things to come! 

Peace and Love to all, namaste.

Day 25

Today I am thankful for healing.

           Healing is a universal need for all living things at one point or another. Sometimes we get it, and sometimes sadly we do not. I have been pretty ill for almost a week and I really hate depending on the Dr. or meds in general. I am trying to be very natural in my life. I tried a few homeopathic remedies but they just were not kickin my over abundance of mucus in the butt like I needed them to. So because I am prone to such sicknesses that are dangerous for adults to have I decided to go to the quack. Just kidding, I see Dr. Daniel Sewell who I must say has a great bedside manner and isn't one to just hand you pills. Although this time he did. I am on day two of the Zpack and I am already feeling better. I have 3 more days and I am expecting to be fully recovered by then.

           As much as the pills are helping, there is one homeopathic remedy that is really helping me and I am truly blessed to have. My husband. He has taken such great care of me, and continues to do so. He held my hair and cleaned me up when I vomited for an hour and half and has even worked  couple of my shifts this week. I am not sure how I would have survived without him.

           I have always been very drawn to heeling people. I really love healing people with energy and touch. For a long time I didn't think that I was doing that, or I thought I had to achieve something else or grow in a certain way in order to do this. Recently I have discovered that I am a healing person just by having that intention. I do want to grown in technique and within myself to be able to actually lay my hands on people and heal them. I have a little ways to go, but I am excited about fine tuning my abilities.